| — This is a transcribed copy of Fiddle Me This. — |
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| Speaker | Dialogue |
|---|---|
| (Scene opens on Wartwood. Hop Pop, alongside Sprig, Polly and Anne, is steering Bessie to find a parking space with all spaces occupied by other large snails.) | |
| Sprig | (Points to a narrow space.) Hey, there's an open spot. |
| Polly | I don't know, looks a little snug. |
| Hop Pop | Nonsense. |
| (Hop Pop whips the reins and reverses Bessie into the narrow space with her shell scraping other snail shells on opposite sides. Bessie starts chirping like a backup car alarm. Nearby, Sheriff Buck Leatherleaf is eating a sandwich when he notices Hop Pop parking illegally. He gives Hop Pop a slow head shake while Hop Pop gives Buck a slow nod before Bessie stops completely.) | |
| Hop Pop | All right, kids, meet back here in 15 minutes. (Anne, Polly and Sprig jump off Bessie, whooping.) |
| Sprig | Bog Bath & Beyond, here I come. |
| Hop Pop | (Chuckles past the Ascots Unlimited sign as he enters the shop.) Don't mind if I do. |
| (Inside the shop, Hop Pop places three ascots to Wartilda at the cashier.) | |
| Wartilda | Well, good mornin', Hopadiah. |
| Hop Pop | Mornin', Wartilda. How are the kids? |
| Wartilda | Great. You know, my daughter just got accepted to Newtopia University. (Points to a poster reading "This Summer, Why Don't You Visit NEWTOPIA".) |
| Hop Pop | [whistles] That's the big league right there. |
| Wartilda | Yep, she's got a bright future. Good thing too. Ascots aren't as popular as they used to be. |
| Hop Pop | (Feels downcast.) Yeah, vegetables aren't doing so hot either. People these days are all about fruit. That's life, I suppose. Um, maybe only four ascots this month, Wartilda. |
| (Hop Pop leaves the store, mildly depressed.) | |
| Hop Pop | Sure wish I could give Sprig and Polly a better future. (Hears Sprig and Polly's exclaims of awe offscreen.) Huh? Well, what's over there, more ascots? |
| (Hop Pop walks up to the town message board. A large poster on the board reads "Amphibia Has Got Talent" as he walks to Anne, Polly and Sprig.) | |
| Sprig | Whoo-hoo! Amphibia's Got Talent is coming to Wartwood. |
| Hop Pop | (Squints his eyes to read.) Wait, what is this nonsense? |
| Anne | We've got the same thing in my world. It's a contest where regular people get on stage and try to prove they're special. |
| Polly | That sounds potentially humiliating. |
| Anne | (Playfully nudges Polly.) Yeah, you get it. |
| Polly | Yeah, I get it. (They both snicker.) |
| Sprig | (Reads the bottom tagline.) "Auditions are being held this weekend!" Hey. Could be fun to play my fiddle in front of a crowd. (Plays his fiddle in an up-beat tune.) Eh? Eh? |
| Hop Pop | I don't know, Sprig. |
| Anne | One thing's for sure. Winning this kinda thing sets you up for a life of success and opportunity. [echoing] Opportunity, opportunity... |
| (Hop Pop suddenly has an epiphany as the scene transitions to a dream sequence. He imagines a large mansion with a front gate shaped like a giant fiddle. The back of the mansion shows a volleyball court, a golf flag and a fiddle-shaped swimming pool. Sprig is walking down the poolside with his eyes closed, wearing a green bathrobe with his hair greased and slurping a coconut drink. He opens his eyes to see Polly in the pool, wearing shades and sporting brown hair.) | |
| Sprig | How's life, Polly? |
| Polly | Ding-dang delightful. (An elderly Hop Pop is seen on a wheelchair, pushed by Anne wearing a care assistant's uniform.) |
| Hop Pop | At last, I can rest... forever. (Closes his eyes in a deathly sleep.) |
| Polly | Wait. If this is the future, why don't I have legs? |
| Anne | Why am I still here?! |
| Hop Pop | (Wakes himself up.) Hey! Can't you see I'm trying to pass on? |
| (He sighs into a deep sleep as the scene transitions back to reality with his eyes still closed. Anne tries to poke Hop Pop awake.) | |
| Anne | Hey, Hop Pop. (She snaps her fingers twice but no response.) Did Hop Pop just leave us? |
| Sprig | (Immediately worried.) Should we get help? I'll get help! (Runs off until Hop Pop stops him.) |
| Hop Pop | Hold on there, boy! Let's give this talent show nonsense a try. It's a long shot, but with enough dedication and teamwork, I'm sure we can make you a star. Who's with me? (They all cheer. Hop Pop notices Anne carrying shopping bags in her hands.) Anne, how'd you pay for all that junk? |
| Anne | I may or may not have mortgaged the house. |
| Plantars | (All surprised in shock.) WHAT?!! |
| (Scene transitions to the Plantar residence. In the living room, Hop Pop presents to Anne, Polly and Sprig a large moth diagram drawn on a chalkboard with the word "Lepidoptera" written below it.) | |
| Hop Pop | The moth! One of nature's most seductive animals. |
| Anne | Cool. |
| Polly | Yeah. |
| Sprig | All right. |
| Hop Pop | Inspired by this majestic creature, I've designed an act for Sprig that will guarantee we take home first prize. (Walks to Anne holding a clipboard.) Anne. You're in charge of costume design and makeup. (Anne immediately starts drawing on a paper. She presents her illustration of an amphibian holding an electric violin and wearing glam rock attire.) |
| Anne | I'm thinking cosmic, ethereal, interdimensional. |
| Hop Pop | Very flattering. Polly. |
| Polly | Yes, Coach? |
| Hop Pop | You're Chief Morale Officer. |
| Polly | (Outraged.) WHAT?! That's not a real job! Why can't I be the star?! I've got talent too! |
| Hop Pop | All right, let's see what you got. |
| Polly | (Clears her throat.) Here's a little ditty I wrote by myself. (She takes a deep breath and amplifies her vocal range.) [off-key] ♪ La-a-a-a-a-a-a... ♪ |
| (Polly's vocal range causes Hop Pop's pencil to snap, blow Sprig's hat away and contort Anne's face.) | |
| Polly | ♪ La-a-a-a-A-A-A... ♪ |
| (Outside, Polly's vocal range causes a passing snail's shell to shatter, a driver's cart to break apart, two large flies to drop onto the ground, and a large bird to drop dead onto the driver.) | |
| Polly | ♪ LA-A-A-A-A-A-A...!! ♪ |
| (Inside, Polly finishes her ditty confidently to Hop Pop, as Sprig puts his hat back on. Hop Pop speaks after a pause.) | |
| Hop Pop | Like I said. Morale. (Puts a "morale" officer's hat on Polly's head.) |
| Polly | (Dismayed.) Fine. |
| Hop Pop | And as for you, Sprig, you have the hardest job of all. |
| Sprig | Huh? |
| Hop Pop | We'll be working on your act together. (Holds Sprig's shoulders and shakes him back and forth.) From dusk till dawn. Rain or shine. Till heck or high water! |
| Sprig | Hop Pop, aren't-- (Takes Hop Pop's hands off his shoulders.) Aren't we taking this all just a little too seriously? |
| Hop Pop | Sprig, success takes work. It takes dedication, sacrifice! You don't wanna end up like that guy, do you? (He points to an earthworm on the soil through a window. Somber background music plays as the camera zooms on the worm, moving pitifully.) No job. No prospects. No future! Just look at him, Sprig! |
| Sprig | (Pauses.) Hop Pop, that's a wor-- (Hop Pop interrupts, holding a whistle.) |
| Hop Pop | Let the hard work begin! (He blows the whistle loudly, causing Sprig to yelp.) |
| (Scene transitions to a calendar, reads "DAY 1". A training montage shows Hop Pop wearing a coach's hat and sportswear, blowing his whistle to motivate Sprig, running against the sunrise. Next scene shows Hop Pop in the kitchen as he splits open an egg; green yolk is poured in a wooden cup with a parasitic creature inside. He tosses the egg shell and serves the drink to Sprig. He feels nauseous and hesitates to swallow the drink. He gags before Hop Pop urges to him to chug it down, with tears leak down Sprig's face.) | |
| Hop Pop | Come on, boy. Chug it! |
| (Scene transitions to "DAY 2" in the living room. Anne is sewing up her costume for Sprig. She holds it up to see a bundle of terribly stitched parts.) | |
| Anne | Well, this is horrible. (She scrunches up the bundle and tosses it into a furnace. Pan left to see Sprig sitting a front of a long mirror with Hop Pop beside him.) |
| Hop Pop | Now to work on your stage faces. Happy cute. Sad cute. Jealous cute. I said jealous cute! |
| Sprig | I don't know what that looks like. (He yelps as Hop Pop blows his whistle at him again.) |
| (Scene transitions to "DAY 4"; Sprig continues to practice repeating notes on his fiddle. Next scene transitions to "DAY 7"; Hop Pop blows his whistle and jolts Sprig up awake.) | |
| Sprig | Whoa! |
| (Next scene shows Sprig practicing his fiddle outside with rope tied to his waist. Hop Pop signals to Polly with a thumbs-up. Polly, wearing her morale officer's hat, whips a large ladybug's behind next to her, causing it to whinny like a horse and fly in the air with Sprig tied to it. Scene transitions to "DAY 9"; in a swampy river, Hop Pop piggybacks on Sprig's back, continues blowing his whistle. Sprig plays his fiddle and jumping on river logs while avoiding being eaten by a giant weasel-like monster. Next scene transitions to Sprig finishing a fast classical piece on his fiddle in front of Anne and Polly.) | |
| Anne & Polly | (Both applause.) Whoo-hoo! |
| Sprig | (Panting with sweat.) Well, how was that? |
| Anne | It was amazing, dude. |
| Polly | You're gonna slay, brother. (Hop Pop angrily throws his clipboard down on the ground.) |
| Hop Pop | Yecch! You call that an act?! I counted three whole mistakes, Sprig. Three! |
| Sprig | I mean, it doesn't have to be perfect, right? |
| Hop Pop | It does if you wanna win! Now go give me 50 laps. |
| Sprig | Hop Pop, this is crazy. I just want to have fun up there. |
| Hop Pop | (Talks back to Sprig's face.) Fun? Can you eat fun? Can you make a fun deposit into your fun savings? Is fun a beautiful mansion with a front gate shaped like a giant fiddle?! |
| Sprig | What? (Hop Pop blows his whistle at Sprig's face.) Okay, okay! Fine, geez. Fine. |
| (Hop Pop continues blowing his whistle to order Sprig to resume practicing. Anne and Polly look worried at each other, while Sprig is playing his fiddle and running around a large tree.) | |
[announcer] Welcome to
Amphibia's Got Talent!
[cheering]
Hey, shoo! Go away, shoo!
[vocalizing]
Hoo-whee!
I'm thinking, launch him.
Yeah, way ahead of you.
[ground rumbling] [yelps]
[crowd cheering] Heh, heh.
All right, gang. This is ours to lose.
Sprig, you ready?
[coughing] As ready as I'll ever be.
Then get out there and win, win, win!
All right, next up is "Sprig Plantar."
Sprig? Ugh. Performing "Flight of the Moth."
[crowd gasps]
Well, hello there. I know. Right?
[classical, fast tempo]
[crowd exclaims]
[cheering]
It's working. It's working.
Now, Anne, the final touch.
On it.
[crowd cheering]
[crowd gasps]
It's perfection,
everything I could've hoped for.
[bat squeals]
-[crowd gasps] -[both yelp]
[Sprig screaming]
Whoa!
Aah! Sprig!
What do we do? What can we do?
[all scream]
Whoa-ohh-ohh!
[gasps]
Anne, get to that judges' table and wait for my signal.
Pardon me, saving my friend. Love your hair by the way.
Hang on, Polly.
[Sprig screaming]
-Now! -[grunts]
[both screaming]
[gasping, yelping]
[crowd gasps]
[gasping, yelping]
Polly, now's your time to shine.
Sing!
[gasps, inhales]
[inhaling]
-♪ La ♪ -[bat screeches]
♪ La ♪
[screaming]
Ah! I got you. I got you.
I got--
-[crowd cheering] -Outstanding!
Grandson? Are you okay?
Oh, I shouldn't have forced you into this. Because of me and this stupid act, you were almost digested.
Gah! All I wanted to do was to have... fun and play my fiddle on stage. Why'd you have to push me so hard?
Well, I just...I ran into Wartilda, and she said--And ascots are--Vegetables are just not doing well anymore. And heck, in a couple of years, I don't even know if the stand will be around. [sighs] I just wanted to give you a better life than the one I can give you now.
Hop Pop, my life is perfect the way it is. And as long as you're in it, my future will be pretty cool too.
Oh... [sniffling]
-[crying] -[Sprig chuckles]
Absolutely mesmerizing performances.
I'm quaking with emotion.
And how did you ever train that bat?
Or this thing for that matter?
Anne: Hey.
We hereby declare this family the winning act of Wartwood's Got Talent.
[crowd cheering]
You simply must come tour with us.
Yes. And share your vision with the rest of the valley.
Thanks, but we like things the way they are.
We don't gotta be stars.
We will keep the trophy. It's gonna help us buy our house back.
[all laughing]
There goes the weirdest family I've ever seen.
Absolutely, darling.
[clears throat] Well, Toadie, I'd say that last act was pretty bad, wouldn't you?
[together] Oh, crud-- [scream]
[crowd cheering]