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[Open on Wartwood at night where the townspeople are gathering.]
Hop Pop: Ah, Theater night. The one night a month we come together, watch our stories, and forget all our horrible, horrible troubles.
All: [sigh]
Hop Pop: Now who wants popcorn? [Pulls out two bags of it.]
Anne: Oh, me, me!
Polly: I do!
Arguing frogs: My seat!
Lavender, Ginger, and Rosemary: [chanting] Theater night, theater night!
Sprig [looking for a seat]: Oh! Right in the middle! Dibs!
Polly: That seat is mine!
Sprig: Not if I get there first.
Polly: Oh! [gasps]
Sprig: Boom!
Polly: No fair. You have appendages.
Hop Pop: Tut-tut. Sprig, give Polly the seat.
Sprig: Say what? Come on, Hop Pop. I got here first. [grunts]
Hop Pop: That's what older brothers do, Sprig. They look out for their little sisters. Now, move that rump over to that stump.
Sprig: [gasps; groans]
Anne: Bummer, dude.
Sprig: [sighs] It's just not fair. Just because she's a little younger, she always gets special treatment.
Anne: I'm an only child, so I don't relate. All my parents' attention was focused on me. And it was... awesome.
Sprig: [blows raspberry] Lucky you.
Toadstool: All right, now. Everybody settle down. I have some bad news. The acting troupe had to cancel on account of...well, being eaten on the way here.
All: [booing]
Mrs. Croaker: We need our stories!
Anne: Hold up, everyone. I have something that might work. It's called a "movie." It's like a play, but totally better.
[crowd murmuring]
Villager: A moovie.
[Anne props her phone against her shoe onstage as a frog places a giant glass panel in front to magnify the screen.]
Anne: Thanks, Chad, local glass artisan.
Chad: Yep.
Anne: Okay, so tonight I'm going to be showing the timeless classic Love Choice, which has always been one of my favorites because--
Mrs. Croaker: Just start the movie!
Anne: [laughs] You got it.
(Presses button, the movie doesn't start)
Anne: Dang it.
(Presses button again, this time it works)
Narrator: In the not so distant future, three grounded yet supernatural teens must navigate their feelings if they hope to survive.
Hop Pop: Wait, how could they be both grounded and supernatural?
Anne: [shushes]
Constance: Oh, Hunter. I know that together we'll make it through this nightmare.
Hunter: Constance, my cybernetic abs belong to you and you alone.
[techno music plays]
[crowd murmurs]
Polly: Hmm, Polly likey.
Constance: I know I said I liked Hunter, but I can't help but be drawn to you as well, Alastair.
Alastair: May I sing you the traditional song of my people?
[shrieking]
Sprig: I like this Alastair. He's ethereal, yet approachable.
Constance: It is now time for me to make my love choice. I choose... I choose...
[bird shrieks and grabs her]
[screams]
Hunter: Constance!
[flute music]
Alastair: We must go after her!
Both: I'll save you, Constance!
Narrator: To be continued...
[audience gasps]
Mrs. Croaker: What? That was the end?
Wally: Who did she pick? I'm so frustrated right now!
Anne: Believe me, guys. Been there. They are making a sequel, Love Choice 2, but it's not out yet.
Polly: I'll tell you who she picks! Hunter! He's a beefcake.
Sprig: What? She should pick Alastair. He's a thinker. A dreamer.
[crowd clamoring]
Polly: Listen up! I don't even want to live in a town with someone who likes Alastair.
Sprig: Well, I don't want to live in a town with someone who likes Hunter.
Polly: That does it! Everybody who chooses Hunter, get behind me!
Wally: Yeah!
Toadie: He looks strong.
Felicia: He's so attractive.
Sprig: Well, anyone who likes Alastair can get behind me!
Mrs. Croaker: Alastair's my man!
Villager: Definitely Alastair.
Hop Pop: Excuse me, pardon me.
Mrs. Croaker: Hey!
Hop Pop: Sprig, just let Polly win this one, before things get even worse.
Sprig: Sorry, Hop Pop. But I've had it with this pollywog and her special treatment. We ain't backing down!
Polly: This means war!
[crowds shouting indistinctly; both sides exit]
Anne: I have a bad feeling about this.
Hop Pop: Eh, I'm sure by morning clearer heads will prevail.
(The next day; the town is split in half, with roofs of buildings painted red or purple for Hunter or Alastair.)
Hop Pop: Or, you know, not.
Anne: I don't believe this. The town is split right down the middle.
All: [chanting] Hail Alastair!
Sprig: Hmm...
All: [chanting] Hail Hunter!
Polly: Hmm...
Anne: This is just like an Internet message board...but IRL.
Hop Pop: Were things on this "Internet" resolved in peaceful and civilized ways?
Anne: See for yourself, dude.
Hunter frog: Oh, gosh. I forgot my house is over in Alastairtown. Ow! Ow!
Alastair frog: Take that, you stinking Hunterite.
[laughs]
[laughing]
Anne: If we don't do something fast, this whole town is going to tear itself apart.
Hop Pop: Polly and Sprig are the ringleaders. If we can just get them to get along, we'll be fine.
Sprig: [shrieking]
Female frog: Amazing, Leader Sprig.
Male frog: You have the voice of an angel.
Stumpy: Deer Sprig, you have a visitor.
Mrs. Croaker: Should we throw her in the deer prison?
Sprig: No, no. It's okay. Thank you, Deer Stumpy and Deer Croaker. Take five, deer friends.
All: Mmm.
Sprig: Anne, great to see ya. Are you here to join our deer choir?
Anne: Nope. I'm here to tell you this dumb feud with Polly is dumb. And you need to end it. Just let her have this one, dude.
Sprig: You're an only child, Anne. You don't understand. I'm always giving up things for Polly. Well, no more! The only way to end this is if Polly submits to me!
Anne: But--
Sprig: We're done here.
(Plays panpipes - Maddie and Toadstool jump out of nearby bushes and grab Anne.)
Maddie: Ha!
Toadstool: [groans] Got you.
Anne: Oh, come on. This isn't cool, Sprig. This isn't cool!
Sprig: That's Deer Sprig to you.
Toadstool: And stay out of Alastairville.
Hop Pop: Anne! Polly's not budging. She won't even see Sprig till he surrenders. Not only that, but they graffitied my tum-tum. Any luck on your end?
Anne: Nope.
Hop Pop: How are those kids supposed to make up if they won't even see one another?
Anne: I know, right? We've got to get them together. But how...Hey, Hop Pop. You ever play capture the flag?
Alastair frog: So I named my kid Alastair last night.
Alastair frog: Wow, you're a good dad.
[Anne hops out of the pipe and starts cutting down the flagpole. Sprig walks with Mrs. Croaker.]
Sprig: Personally, my favorite thing about Alastair is how he's not afraid to cry.
Mrs. Croaker: [screams]
Sprig: No! She's stealing the sacred flag! Quick, sound the alarm!
Anne: [panting] Uh-oh.
Hunter frog: Chief Polly, an old man is climbing the flagpole.
Polly: Somebody get him!
Toadie: For Hunter!
Hop Pop: Ha! Got it! [laughs] Anne, you did it!
Toadie: Got you!
Hop Pop: (Kicks him away - he falls to the ground.)
Toadie: For Hunter!
Hop Pop: Eh, he'll be fine. (He uses the flag as a parachute.) Whee!
Anne: [panting] No Hop Pop yet. Oh, man. I hope he was able to get the flag--
Hop Pop: Watch out! (He bumps into Anne.)
Anne: Ow! Whoo! Both flags captured!
Hop Pop: Now what?
Anne: Now this.
[crowd clamoring]
Anne: Ha ha! Tricked you all! Now that you're face-to-face, how about discussing this like civilized--Whoa!
Polly: So, older brother, you here to finally admit I'm right and surrender to the...Hunter tribe?
Sprig: Death first!
Polly: Then perish!
(Both sides begin throwing fruit.)
[all grunting]
[groans]
Sprig: Take this, you brutes!
Anne: Well, at least we brought them together to clear the air, right?
Hop Pop: Too bad they couldn't--[gasps]
Anne: Aah!
Sprig: Retreat, my dear brethren!
Polly: [laughs] After those wimpy deer cowards!
Crowd: Hail Hunter!
Polly: Wait...Something's off.
Hunter Frog: Aah!
Hunter Frog: Ow!
Polly: It's a trap!
Sprig: [laughing] Ambush!
[panting, grunting]
(Polly goes down an alley and gets trapped; the Alastair clan are on both sides with fruit.)
Sprig: You lose, Polly. Looks like your special treatment couldn't help you this time. Now just surrender--
Mrs. Croaker: Enough talk! Let her have it!
Sprig: Uh, what?
Toadstool: Incoming!
[shouting]
(Fruit flies towards Polly.)
Hop Pop's voice: That's what older brothers do, Sprig. They look out for their little sisters.
Polly: [shudders]
Sprig: Uh...What have I done?
Sprig: No!
(He jumps in front of Polly; the fruit hits him instead.)
[splattering]
[grunting]
[crowd gasping]
[Sprig groans]
Polly: [crying] Why, Sprig? I don't understand. Why?
Sprig: Because seeing you in danger made me realize...it doesn't matter what's fair. What matters is that I'm here to take care of you. We surrender, Polly. [coughs] We... surrender.
Polly: Brother...No...No![crying]
(Dramatic music)
Sprig: Hoo! All right, folks. Pack it in, we're done.
Polly: Yeah, this thing is pretty played out.
[crowd cheering]
Anne: Wait, what?
Villager(dragging away a cannon): Glad I finally got a chance to use this bad boy.
Mrs. Croaker: Now, that was exciting.
Anne: You guys were at each other's throats just a second ago. Are you seriously over this already?
Hop Pop: Oh, that's just the way we are, Anne. You should have seen last year's avocados versus almonds fiasco. We almost tore this place to the ground.
Mrs. Croaker: Whew, good thing it's over. I don't even remember what we were fighting about.
Sprig: I can't believe we almost killed each other over a work of fiction.
Polly: I know, right? Can we watch another one?
Sprig: Hmm...
Polly: Hey, Sprig! Over here! I saved you a spot.
Sprig: And I brought you some sweets.
Polly: You're a good older brother, Sprig.
Hop Pop: Aww, well, ain't that nice. Now scooch over. I need a seat.
Anne: Hello, everyone! For tonight, I've picked a conflict-free independent film called My Dinner with Anders. But before we start, a little context.
Crowd: Just start the movie!
Anne: [laughs] You got it.
(Clicks the button.)